Now That I Know It Wasn’t Love (17 Dec 2019)
From the beginning, I was always an option to you. You came into my life when I was most vulnerable and used that to your advantage. You aren't to blame for my pre-existing issues but it was both of our faults because I wasn't healed enough to stand my ground and align my mind with what I know my heart deserved. Instead, I completely lost myself in you and very slowly entered into the worst mental breakdown of my life. You weren't completely at fault but you were a major contributing factor. I confused our trauma bond, our codependency, and our emotional abuse toward each other as love. You told me you loved me when I was at my lowest and it filled every void that was present in my life. I knew from the beginning that we wouldn't end well but I let you in anyway because you made me feel less empty. You were the final sign presented to me that I have to trust my instincts and that I don't have to put myself in traumatic situations to learn a life lesson. I gave you every single part of me and the process of detaching myself from you was the most emotionally exhausting experience that I've been faced with in my life. Healing from you caused a pain that I didn't know existed. Indulging in every unhealthy coping skill there is was easier than coming to terms with the fact that there was no genuine love between us. Learning to give the love I gave you to myself hurt more than I knew I could handle. I will always be grateful for you because you helped me to identify all the broken pieces in my life that led me to you in the first place. And I know I promised you that I would always be there for you and we both know that I don't break promises. But I can no longer be accessible to you. To this day, you have a key to my heart and I know that I'd still let you in if you needed somewhere temporary to stay. Letting you go completely is the only option I have and I'd rather protect my sanity than continue to uphold you. Part of me still believes that I was truly in love with you but the rest of me is grieving the fact that it was only the hate I had toward myself in disguise. It isn't my place and it's very unhealthy to hope that you live up to your potential and all the expectations I placed on you. I understand that you are on your own healing journey as well and I have no control over my role in your narrative. I continued to ride our emotional rollercoaster hoping that I could relive the initial excitement but this is where I get off. Our memories together are triggered by so many external forces still present in my life and I know that I'll never forget you. Healing is a continuous, non-linear journey and I'm grateful for all the lessons that you helped me learn along the way.